still sad 10 years after divorce

I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. Needing to be right. A word I'd wished for so long to hear. Lest you think thats all there is, I repeat: These days, life is pretty good. It's been 2.5 years since my divorce and I am in a new relationship but I am still sad that I got divorced. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new. I was excited about the changes I could see or at least was trying to reach. This goes hand-in-hand with feeling your emotions. And sadness. I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. but I met her when I was 20 and she was 17 . Some responsibilities need both parental support, and if you have kids, then this is a reason to stop the hurts, take up the responsibilities and support your kids as much as possible to avoid them to hurt from your struggles. I never reached out to him for assistance. I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. we see each other all the time with that and every smell and sound and sight reminds me of her and how my family was and could be .. Does it mock me? Dear Sugars, I'm a middle-aged father of one teenage girl. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . The unearthing of secrets when, like a woman possessed, I became Miss Marple, Agatha Christie would have approved. Great article!!! It took him 6 years to make up his mind to go through with a divorce. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. It hurts badly, no matter how long. He sat in our porch the week before he left, sobbing. If you do find yourself feeling depressed, do not feel like you are alone and please seek medical advice immediately. I do hope this improves with time. I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. house, kids, American Dream. I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out! Ive been struggling with anxiety. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . When you hear the word "divorce," there are a handful of images that probably come to mindtwo adults arguing, a sad child stuck in the middle, and maybe even a contentious courtroom battle.But when a marriage ends, it's far more complex than that.For one, you may never even be in a courtroom with your ex, and secondly, there are some truly positive effects of a divorce that you may not have . He was my one and only love and there will not be another, whilst he has remarried a girl in SE Asia who is only 25 years old. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. what gets me thru life is God and my kids and grandkids . I cannot seem to get a hold of myself. I saw my ex at a social function. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. Best Wishes,Ben Schwarcz, MFTSanta Rosa Psychotherapist. There's also the practical side of it. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! Grand children . He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. You see, every dream died with divorce, I was a stay at home mom and we entertained so often. I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the betrayal of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. Not seen ones own child daily especially when very young is so excruciating. if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . And heres an irony out of the blue, I checked an email account that I only check maybe 2X a year and my ex had emailed me I have not heard anything from him in over 10 years, I lived in the same city as him for 16 years and now? That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. Its pretty impossible to put into words how I feel after 5 years since our family disintegrated. It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. As others have said, it gives voice to some of what I feel. I had so many changes to adjust to. Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. "name": "Can you be completely happy after divorce? Many times people start dating immediately while healing has not taken place making them suffer even more. Allow Yourself to Be Jealous. Thank you for this. No tool and not even with time repairs. We just needed to voice our shared experience. We spoke to 12 men about life after divorce. If you were married for ten years of longer, you will be eligible to collect derivative Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse's earnings record when you reach retirement age (if you aren't married to someone else at the time . I wish everyone here the peace and happiness you deserve, and if the pain is still there, so be it ignore the platitudes (time is a healer. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. Here is the bottom line, Sam, youre purposefully holding onto the pain. Ali November 14, 2015 At 1:56 pm. Granted i have full custody of my two kids but whats broken can not be fixed with money or any tool in my tool box. My children are grown and many milestones are coming up. I have tried to date, but it never works out. I have really enjoyed reading everyones story and I realise now that I am very normal 10 years on. One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. 21. 15 years after divorce she is bubbling over with joy, energy and health. joanne. Oh well. Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. "@type": "FAQPage", As I feel like I should be over it 6 years on but Im not. a loss of appetite. Youre allowing your pain to keep you from enjoying your children and grandchildren. The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. Divorce can be worse than dying. It's not a bad place to be. After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. The residual anger,. An example is engaging in mind teasing activities, for instance going back to school for your masters on a part-time basis. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories. 20. Being the left behind spouse I struggle a great deal. By Stephanie Downs - March 1, 2023 08:07 pm EST. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. I initiated it. Youre still living in the past, ruminating on what should have been instead of focusing on what is and what will be. fatigue. Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her advice on feeling lonely after a divorce, and moving on after the death of a partner. After a happy 28-year marriage, we're getting a divorce. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. He moved on quite quickly and as soon as got his girlfriend dropped our kids. All the you statements are certainly not appropriate. The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. Best artical I have read on divorce. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription. They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. Village historic. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. And I have learned to respect the individual better and how to love not control, I have learned all that but one thing that I have learned looking back I can see how I got like that its tough being a man in this world women want both sides of it they wanna man that is strong and can take care of them but at theyre same time they want the freedom to be able to do whatever they want at any time and if you question it youre controlling I took it as that did not understand that I was being so controlling I believe I was I think although in my heart and mind I thought I was doing the right thing for my children and my wife the things that I tried to get us to do Or the way I had As us live Truly in my heart I thought it was the best for us not just for myself but I can see now that I did not respect her individual feelings I shouldve let her have her space and Ive learned what it would take to be a good man so the what I hold onto is hopefully shell know and understand that I have learned all this and many other things and can love me again and come back. I am divorced now 6 years but find every day a struggle. Ben's Answer:The relationships that break our heart the most are often based on an idealized image of the person that we lost. No anger but deep deep hurt. Ive been alone for over 12 years, the pain has definitely lessened, but there are times it still hurts & always will.